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Kick Assiest Blog
Friday, 12 May 2006
'Paralyzed' woman gets up, runs from police
Mood:  silly
Topic: Funny Stuff

"Paralyzed" woman gets up, runs from police

LOS ANGELES - A wheelchair-bound Los Angeles woman, who has repeatedly filed lawsuits over access for the disabled, got up and ran after police arrested her for fraud, authorities said on Thursday.

Laura Lee Medley, 35, had sued in at least four California cities over injuries she claimed she sustained while trying to navigate her wheelchair before she was suspected of fraud.

Medley, who claimed to be paralyzed from a drunk driving accident, was tracked to Las Vegas where police there took her into custody and then, when she complained of medical issues, to a local hospital, Long Beach prosecutor Belinda Mayes said.

"She gets to the hospital and while she's waiting for an examination, she gets up from the chair and runs," Mayes said. "Somebody remarked, 'That's where the great miracle occurred."'

Medley sprinted through the hospital corridors but was quickly apprehended by police and booked pending extradition to San Bernardino, southern California, where she is facing charges of filing false documents, attempted grand theft and insurance fraud.

Medley has sued the cities of Long Beach and South Pasadena and counties of San Bernardino and Riverside over various injuries she claimed she sustained in her wheelchair. She was also being sought on arrest warrants by the states of Oregon and Washington, Mayes said.

My Way News ~ Reuters ** "Paralyzed" woman gets up, runs from police

Posted by yaahoo_2006iest at 3:42 PM EDT
Wednesday, 10 May 2006
Limbaugh Theory of Relativity: Mainstream Media Influence equals BS (Barbra Streisand) multiplied by Time squared
Mood:  chatty
Now Playing: MMI=BS x T2
Topic: Funny Stuff

Limbaugh Theory of Relativity


RUSH: This might be an excellent time for me to explain to you my latest mathematical formula, ladies and gentlemen. I mentioned this in the previous hour. Everybody is wondering how can it be that the mainstream media, the Drive-By Media, is losing so much influence, and they are, I mean you see the newspaper circulation. We had the numbers yesterday, down, TV ratings, down, compared to all-time highs back in the eighties. There is a new media out there that consists of talk radio, Fox News, and the blogosphere. They don't have their monopoly anymore. They don't have the automatic ability in one night to shape opinion on anything. They used to have that power. They don't any longer. But despite the fact that they are losing influence, how at the same time are they able to do so much damage? This requires a formula much like Einstein had his theory of relativity, E = mc2. Because after all, admit it, this is a great question that you ask yourselves, how can this possibly be? It's the puzzle of the decade.

How can the Drive-By Media, in such disrepute, create so much negativity? Employment is up, unemployment is down, retirement funds are up, household net worth is up, consumer confidence is up, home ownership is up, virtually every economic statistic that matters is up. How can the reality be so good and the perception be so bad? Well, much as Einstein had his theory of relativity, we here at the Limbaugh Institute have come up with our own theory of relativity for the mainstream media. Here's the formula. We'll put this on the website so you can actually see it. You can play around with it yourself. Here's the formula as expressed. MMI = BS times T squared. MMI = BS x T2. Here's what the symbols in the formula mean. MMI is mainstream media influence. We could call it DBMI, Drive-By Media influence. BS of course equals BS, Barbra Streisand. And the T, equals the time in days. So the formula is MMI = BS times time squared, T squared. Time squared.

That is the media effect day after day, gloom. Day after day, pessimism. Day after day, housing bubble. Day after day, class warfare. Day after day, high gasoline price. Day after day, no future. Day after day, your kids inheriting a giant deficit. They'll never be able to have the life that their parents had. Then they'll run little stories in the so-called evening news, did you lose your job today? Will you lose your job tomorrow? Will your neighbor lose his job tomorrow? Did your neighbor lose his last three jobs during the Bush administration? I'm not sure who said this. "A lie told often enough becomes the truth." Was that Joseph Goebbels? [Lenin] It had to be a Nazi that did it. If there was ever a need for the Limbaugh theory of relativity, it is now, today, this time in our nation's history. The Drive-By Media influence on the economy is one thing. I mean, that's about money. But that influence, the Drive-By Media influence on the war on Islamofascism is another thing. That's about lives. That's about the future of civilization. How can vital interests, national security and so forth, be turned into doom and gloom? Easy. MMI = BS x T2. Time squared, day after day, bad news, day after day, if it bleeds, it leads. Day after day, we don't want to take sides with America because we're not sure that America deserves to win, because we're not sure that America is itself a just cause anymore.

By the way, the Limbaugh Theory, my formula here works just as well with our leadership. We need a strong president to deal with the Iran problem. We need a strong president to lead a flaccid United Nations, a strong president to try to inspire a tired, worn-out Europe. So how can this president, with this economy and this domestic peace, be so low in the polls? MMI = BS x T2. The BS is everything. Everything he does is wrong, every decision he makes is wrong, every nominee he names is wrong, every time he speaks it's wrong. The Limbaugh Theory of relativity explains it all. It's not the criticism, it's not the specific items mentioned. It's the day after day after day after day after day of unceasing media attacks. I'll tell you, I have a theory also about Bush's approval numbers. This business of being at 31% now doesn't make any sense if you measure this in terms that have always been used to define presidential popularity in the past. Why, given this economy, his polls ought to at least be 50. You'd have to subtract some because people are uneasy about the war, and they're uneasy because we are fighting it in a minimalist way.

We could be done with this like we could have been done in Vietnam, much shorter period of time. We don't have the guts to do what it would take in one fell swoop to win, so we meander along. There are some other things. But the economy ought to be bringing this up, and it's not. If you look deeply in some of the most recent polls, you find that there are conservatives who are unhappy with Bush, and Republicans, which I have always maintained, and it's about agenda items. It's about conservatism that's not being implemented or even fought for, so there's that. But I also think that there's a fatigue factor. This administration has not done a whole lot to defend itself. It has left that to others, and I think there's a general fatigue among everybody. I mean, you. You probably go out and talk to people and they say, "What do you think about Bush?" You get tired of trying to explain it.

Folks, I must admit, even I get tired sometimes having to defend this. They don't seem to think it's necessary. They think every news cycle has a life span that's going to end of its own and they're going to sustain it if they respond to all this. There have been some exceptions to this during the course of the past six years, but there are a number of things. In terms of this 31%, which is the new low in whatever poll, or 35 or 36, in terms of this being an accurate representation of what people in this country actually think about Bush or about the current economic circumstances, I don't think it's legitimate. I'm not saying it's being fudged in the polling. It could be some of that. We run into examples where polling companies have oversampled Democrats, for example, to achieve certain results that they want. There's something about this that just doesn't make sense in any of the ways that we have measured approval in the past. So one of two things. Either it is legitimate and there's a whole new way of measuring it that we haven't figured out or caught up to, or it's just gobbledygook and part of oddball kooky times in which we live.


Read the Background Material...
(NRO: Inside the President's Terrible Poll Numbers - Byron York)
*Note: Links to content outside Rush usually become inactive over time.

Rush ** Limbaugh Theory of Relativity

Posted by yaahoo_2006iest at 8:52 AM EDT
Updated: Wednesday, 10 May 2006 8:59 AM EDT
Monday, 24 April 2006
Department of Pointless Polling: Lurch Heinz Kerry Would Defeat Bush in New US Election
Mood:  silly
Topic: Funny Stuff

Should we tell the "intellectual, smarter than everybody else" libtards that Bush can't run in '08? I don't think they know that!
By the way... didn't all the polls say that Lurch would win in 2004? And what will the Demented-crats do without their boogie man come November 2008?

Kerry Would Defeat Bush in New U.S. Election

The outcome of the 2004 United States presidential election would be different if a new ballot took place this year, according to a poll by Bloomberg and the Los Angeles Times. 47 percent of respondents would vote for Democrat John Kerry, while 40 percent would support Republican George W. Bush.

In American elections, candidates require 270 votes in the U.S. Electoral College to win the White House. In November 2004, Bush earned a second term after securing 286 electoral votes from 31 states. Kerry received 252 electoral votes from 19 states and the District of Columbia. As far as the popular vote is concerned, Bush garnered 51.03 percent of all cast ballots, with Kerry getting 48.04 percent.

In a January 2005 interview with NBC's Tim Russert, Kerry expressed satisfaction with his campaign, saying, "I won the youth vote. I won the independent vote. I won the moderate vote. If you take half the people at an Ohio State football game on Saturday afternoon and they were to have voted the other way, you and I would be having a discussion today about my State of the Union speech."

On Apr. 20, Kerry discussed the possibility of a presidential bid in 2008, saying, "I will make that decision before the end of the year but I'm thinking about it hard." The Massachusetts senator jokingly added, "If you can help me find 60,000 votes in Ohio."

Bush is ineligible for a third term in office. The next presidential election is scheduled for November 2008.

Polling Data
Regardless of how you may have voted in the presidential election in November 2004, knowing what you know today, would you vote for George W. Bush or John Kerry if the presidential election was being held today?

John Kerry (D) 47%

George W. Bush (R) 40%

Someone else 6%

Would not vote 4%

Don't know 3%

Source: Bloomberg / Los Angeles Times
Methodology: Telephone interviews with 1,357 American adults, conducted from Apr. 8 to Apr. 11, 2006. Margin of error is 3 percent.

Angus Reid Global Scan ~ Polls & Research - Bloomberg / LATimes ** Kerry Would Defeat Bush in New U.S. Election

Of course.. what is being gnored here is that an election would not be held without a campaign...

Well, there's 13% of undecideds in that poll, so since this would ostensibly be an election, those 13% couldn't vote undecided, so the poll is useless - like every other poll since Novemeber 2004 and until November 2008.
This is just another meaningless story that the mainstream libtard media can trumpet instead of the story about the CIA agent who was fired for leaking classified information to the press.

I guess the next poll will state that "Clinton would have killed Bin Laden if he had made the decision today."

Posted by yaahoo_2006iest at 4:14 PM EDT
Updated: Monday, 24 April 2006 4:20 PM EDT
Thursday, 23 March 2006
Top Demented-crat Policies for America
Mood:  silly
Topic: Funny Stuff

DemonRats do 24 in 16 !

While Uncle Joe acknowledges that the list at Right Wing News would make America a better stronger country, Demonrats are not about that. We revel in either weakening America relative to the rest of the world OR converting America to full socialism. In that vein we'll call this list Hillary's 24:

1. Open up Department of Defense's secrets to Chinese bidding.
(Never too soon to think about re-election cash for 2012).
2. Neuter Bill.
3. Change military policy to Ask and Tell.
4. Gay marriage amendment.
5. Eliminate the FBI.
6. Re-institute the Fairness Doctrine to eliminate right wing talk radio.
7. Abortion amendment. Any time, any place for any reason.
8. Double everyone's tax rate. Add lots of loopholes for the idle rich and Hollywood.
(I don't want Meathead or Kennedy whining.)
9. Quintuple spending.
10. Treat all terrorist activity like criminal activity NOT an act of war.
11. Copy France's 35 hour work week & no fire for 2 years policies.
12. Closed union shops in all government hiring.
13. All government employees get election day off. (To help with the vote).
14. Paper ballots in all democrat counties (you know why).
15. Make it illegal to turn away anyone at the polling place on election day.
16. Amnesty for all illegal immigrants, full citizen rights, including the vote.
17. Government subsidize legal help for the poor. You can never have enough lawsuits.
18. Elimination of school vouchers, charter schools and private schools.
19. Minimum wage set at $12.00 and indexed to double the inflation rate.
20. Universal healthcare. Here-to-fore known as HillaryCare.
21. Shut down all oil drilling offshore in the Gulf and ban any drilling in Alaska.
22. Extend Kelo to allow Federal use of private land.
23. Back out of NAFTA and all other free trade agreements.
24. Sign Kyoto and any other environmental legislation that the UN comes up with.

16 minutes! Now I realize most of these would have to be second term goals since Hillary needs to appear somewhat centrist to get elected and re-elected. Once that second term starts though, watch out. ** DemonRats do 24 in 16 !

Posted by yaahoo_2006iest at 9:03 AM EST
Updated: Thursday, 23 March 2006 9:39 AM EST
Tuesday, 14 March 2006
Vicente Fox Explores for Oil in Gulf, Enviro-Wackos Silent
Mood:  chatty
Topic: Funny Stuff

Vicente Fox Announces Huge Oil Find

Mexico has discovered a huge new oil reserve that will increase its production capacity by nearly 50 percent, President Vicente Fox said Monday night - explaining that he intends to discuss how he'll use his new oil bonanza when he meets with President Bush in two weeks.

"We have excellent news that we will be announcing in a couple of weeks from now," Fox told MSNBC's "Rita Cosby Live and Direct."

He described the find as "a huge new reserve of oil and natural gas in the Gulf of Mexico that belongs to Mexicans" and noted that in his upcoming meeting with Bush, "energy is a key for our discussions."

Fox said his country's largest oil reserve is Cantarell, which is rapidly depleting. "This new reserve that we just have found will totally replace Cantarell with even more quantity then what originally Cantarell had," he told Cosby.

The White House announced over the weekend that Bush, Fox and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper will hold an economic and security summit in Cancun on March 30 and 31. Among the items on the agenda: "our common prosperity."

Fox said the oil find would help both the U.S. and Mexico deal with their respective "migration" problems.

"We see that migration is not only moving from Mexico to United States," he explained. "Last year we had to hold over 200,000 Central Americans that cross the border with Mexico, and of course they had plans to work in Mexico for a time and then try to move to United States."

Fox said Mexico's expanding oil industry would help build job opportunities in both his country and Central America, which will ultimately benefit the U.S. "It will help all three of us, that is part of what we're discussing, how can we remain competitive, how we can have plenty of energy and how we use energy to the benefit of people," he told Cosby.

Fox is an unapologetic advocate of illegal immigration, saying it helps both the U.S. and Mexico. Earlier this year he objected to U.S. plans to build a security fence along the Mexican border.

News ~ Carl Limbacher ** Vicente Fox Announces Huge Oil Find

Posted by yaahoo_2006iest at 11:17 PM EST
Woman gets beer from her kitchen faucet
Mood:  party time!
Topic: Funny Stuff

Woman gets beer from her kitchen faucet

OSLO, Norway - It almost seemed like a miracle to Haldis Gundersen when she turned on her kitchen faucet this weekend and found the water had turned into beer.

Two flights down, employees and customers at the Big Tower Bar were horrified when water poured out of the beer taps.

By an improbable feat of clumsy plumbing, someone at the bar in Kristiandsund, western Norway, had accidentally hooked the beer hoses to the water pipes for Gundersen's apartment.

"We had settled down for a cozy Saturday evening, had a nice dinner, and I was just going to clean up a little," Gundersen, 50, told The Associated Press by telephone Monday. "I turned on the kitchen faucet and beer came out."

However, Gundersen said the beer was flat and not tempting, even in a country where a half-liter (pint) can cost about 25 kroner ($3.75) in grocery stores.

Per Egil Myrvang, of the local beer distributor, said he helped bartenders reconnect the pipes by telephone.

"The water and beer pipes do touch each other, but you have to be really creative to connect them together," he told local newspapers.

Gundersen joked about having the pub send up free beer for her next party.

"But maybe it would be easier if they just invited me down for a beer," she said.

Boston Globe ~ Associated Press ** Woman gets beer from her kitchen faucet

Talk about your miracles. All hail the beer god! Magic faucet... magic faucet... magic faucet (with apologies to the "magic fridge" commercial guys.)

Posted by yaahoo_2006iest at 5:11 PM EST
Updated: Tuesday, 14 March 2006 5:19 PM EST
Monday, 6 March 2006
Life in 2029, Good for a laugh
Mood:  special
Topic: Funny Stuff

A friend of mine sent me a list of headlines from the year 2029. They're good for a laugh or two - so enjoy!

Headlines for the year 2029:

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recogized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East! (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines!

Posted by yaahoo_2006iest at 12:20 AM EST
Monday, 27 February 2006
Caveman blondes also had more fun
Mood:  special
Topic: Funny Stuff

Caveman blondes also had more fun

Researchers say the tradition of blondes having more fun goes back to the end of the Ice Age.A report from the University of St. Andrews, published this week in Evolution and Human Behavior, says north European women evolved blond hair and blue eyes to make them stand out from their rivals at a time of fierce competition for scarce males, the Sunday Times of London reported.

Researchers say it appears blond hair originated in the region because of food shortages 10,000-11,000 years ago. Many men died in long, arduous hunting trips for food, leading to a high ratio of surviving women to men. Lighter hair colors, which started as rare mutations, became popular for breeding, the study said.

An analysis of north European genes carried out at three Japanese universities has isolated the date of the genetic mutation that resulted in blond hair to about 11,000 years ago.

A study by the World Health Organization found that natural blondes are likely to be extinct within 200 years because there are too few people carrying the blond gene, the newspaper said.

Phys ~ United Press International ** Caveman blondes also had more fun

Genetics of Hair Color --- Human Hair Color Genetics

Let the jokes begin!!! Blonde Jokes --- More Blonde Jokes

For the sake of future mankind - must go out and breed more blondes.

Posted by yaahoo_2006iest at 3:49 PM EST
Updated: Monday, 27 February 2006 3:52 PM EST
Monday, 20 February 2006
Great Conservative Slogans
Mood:  chatty
Topic: Funny Stuff

Winners of the Great Conservative Slogan Contest

Thanks to all who voted in the first Great Conservative Slogan Contest. The voting is closed and I've gathered the results. And without further ado, here are the winning slogans:

Best NSA slogan [by Laer]:
Bush spied, terrorists died.

Best slogan about Democrats [by Kevin]:
Democrats -- a 40 year war on poverty and still no exit strategy.

Best slogan about education [by Dennis Travis]:
Help stamp out literacy -- support the teachers' union.

Best slogan about life and death issues [by Patrick O'Hannigan]:
Aren't you glad your mother was pro-life?

Best anti-terrorism slogan [by Laer]:
Give peace a chance. Kill a terrorist.

Best "I support Bush" slogan [by Lissa]:
I stubbed my toe. Impeach Bush!

Best "I support the war and our troops" slogan [by Anonymous]:
Peace through victory.

Best "money and responsibility" slogan [by Quadko]:
Keep your socialism out of my paycheck!

Best "this is liberalism" slogan [by Unknown, so it's probably not original to my readers, but it really is a good one]:
Liberals: so open-minded, their brains fell out.

Best original "this is liberalism" slogan [by Quadko]:
It takes a conservative to feed a liberal.

Best "free speech/ACLU" slogan [by Sammy]:
ACLU: Aiding and Abetting America's Enemies.

Best MSM slogan [by The Good Lt]:
Reporters aren't liberal -- and the 9/11 hijackers weren't Muslims.

Best "the USA is a great place" slogan [by our own Don Quixote]:
I will not be intimidated. I will not be silenced. I am an American.

Best "election 2008" slogan [by Bilgeman]:
Vote for a REAL strong woman . . . Condoleeza!

Best religion slogan [by Quadko]:
Free to be religious.

Best of the rest [by Lissa]:
Casey Sheehan deserves a better spokesperson.

I will be scanning every bumpersticker I see from now on in the hopes of finding these clever, interesting and insightful slogans cropping up on America's cars.

Thanks again to all of you who participated, both by submitting all those wonderful ideas, and by voting.

[If you want to see all of the slogans in the contest, check here. You're also still welcome to vote, although I will no longer be counting votes.]

Bookworm Room ** Winners of the Great Conservative Slogan Contest

Add some:
"Strength through Appeasement"

"Help the mentally handicapped, register democrat"

"Liberals Wanted: No logic required"

Posted by yaahoo_2006iest at 5:08 AM EST
Updated: Monday, 20 February 2006 4:38 PM EST
Thursday, 16 February 2006
Man Shot In Hunting Accident -- After Laughing At Cheney
Mood:  d'oh
Topic: Funny Stuff

Man Shot In Accident After Laughing At Cheney

LAFAYETTE, Colo. - Hours after laughing about Vice President Dick Cheney's hunting mishap, Josh Kayser was himself shot by a friend during a hunting expedition.

The 21-year-old Lafayette man was taken to the hospital Monday night after his girlfriend accidentally shot him while they were trailing a raccoon that had been preying on chickens on his family's property.

"I read that thing about the vice president and said to myself 'how can you shoot your friend with your gun?' And look what happened," he said Tuesday.

Kayser was crouched down to look under a shed where he thought a wounded raccoon was hiding, and his 17-year-old girlfriend accidentally shot him with a .22-caliber rifle. Police have not identified the girlfriend.

KCNC-TV Denver, CBS4 ~ Associated Press ** Man Shot In Accident After Laughing At Cheney

Posted by yaahoo_2006iest at 4:50 PM EST
Updated: Thursday, 16 February 2006 5:48 PM EST

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